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I Used to Love Him, Now I Don’t… But How Do I Leave?

October 1, 2011

You Used to Love Him, but Now You Don’t? I’ve been there. I understand. And here’s my suggestion.

You Pack Up! You Lead Your Life. You be the Leader…and LEAVE!

Just about Everyone can relate to having an indulgence of something. For most of us, hopefully, it’s something that connotes positivism. Like Happiness.Favorite Foods (for me sweets). Fun. Lot’s of It. Shopping Aches. These are just a few of my favorite indulgences in life. But I can also recall many a times where Fear, Darkness and Toxic Love were in my indulging habits too. I called it love, at first, but later learned it was truly Domestic Violence (DV). DV doesn’t rule my life, anymore, but I have compassion and love for all those who have endured, are enduring, and  us others who cannot forget the memory of it.

It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I’ve met Domestic Violence, Lived with it, and Now I’m on a mission to educate others about it, and free spirits from it. PERIOD. So for my sisters (and brothers) who feel alone in this darkness, let me share myself with you.

I was introduced to relationship violence when I was a college student – an out-of-state, away from my family and support, all-by-myself college student. Who I came to know as abuse first showed up as my Prince Charming. Mr. Charming was good to me. I mean I was in a new state, had new freedom (all teenagers are blissfully in heaven when they leave their parents’ home), I was already overly confident, and then… He Found Me.

I was swept off my feet. In the early Stages. It’s school nights and we’re going out to eat every night. Taking strolls in the city parks in late night hours. Chivalry was in abundance. The campus was already a culture shock for my more urban city personality. And Mr. Charming eased right in to the position of my chauffeur and “Personal Guide,” strategically might I add. “Caking” as they called it when I arrived on the NC State grounds of N.C. And My heart was in heaven( my body, might I add, quickly gained the “freshman fifteen”).  He , Mr. Charming, was perfect in my eyes. You couldn’t tell me Anything negative about him!

He mastered special days – Birthdays, Anniversaries; Mr. Charming even cared about my family’s special days – for a season, or two. I got the coach purses, just because (little did I know the price). We took trips, at His expense, then at the expense of my newfound credit, which later became my newfound Debt (that’s a lesson in itself for college students lol).

But “He loves me,”” I’m happy to share my resources.” ” He’s been free with his,” I justified.

A few months into the love and the layers peeled back. They kept peeling. Truths began to surface. I wasn’t willing to listen though.Not at first. Blinded by my own love ambitions. Lies were being told. My health was affected. I was scared. Trapped. Alone. I couldn’t tell others, as I was too embarrassed. I didn’t know many. He guided me to isolation early on, remember?  My confidence turned into His term Arrogance. My beauty and elegant dress became His term  promiscuity. He was my financial support, primary friend support, and this attachment was killing me, literally.

My process of healing was slow, dysfunctional, and arduously painful. But my testimony is YOUR inspiration. That’s what I learned to embrace my trials as. Catalysts of inspiration for others, so You don’t have to walk my paths, or you can skip the growing pains of the process if you’re already in it.

Relationships, especially in the learning seasons, can be complicated. But I have learned that they should Never cross the line of abuse. PERIOD. Love does Not hide itself from Love or Anyone Else (Thank you for this reality, Iyanla Vanzant). Love is in Abundance. Some of us are just so used to looking in the gutters (dark) for it, that we forget to look up and accept the love all around us. Love is Light. Love is Good. Love is God.

Some Lessons I’ve learned are simple, yet imperative to Survivorship.

1. Have FAITH. Know that YOUR Creation is made for so much more than sorrow and abuse, and its never too late to turn your life around.

2. Develop an Exit Plan, without Mr. Charming. Don’t try to bring him/her to Health by staying because S/He says, “We’ll get help, together.” This is usually just a decoy to buy time for the perpetrator,and quite frankly to continue inflicting pain and fear in you. You can’t truly be free, until you leave your dependence of the abuse.

3. Socialize. All things come to the light, eventually. But the more extensions you have AWAY from the dark, the better your chances.

4. Find at least ONE support link, be it a friend, educator, counselor, mentor or organization. This will help free your mind of all the manipulative seeds You’ve surely digested from being in Abuse. Stretch your resources to more support as you are Ready.

5. Embrace Love where you can. It helps kill the actions of abuse that you’ve learned to perceive as “normalcy”

6. Love Yourself. Forgive Yourself. Nurture Yourself. Trust Yourself. Redeem Yourself. When your SELF (Intuition) Says it’s time to Go. BE OBEDIENT!

7. Learn The Lessons and Share Your Story. Your experience will undoubtedly be another’s blessing.

Remember there’s a blessing in every lesson. Onward. Forward. No reason to live in your past when your future is to Light. So Bright. So Loving. The world won’t be complete until you ACCEPT your part in it.

You Used to Love Him, Now You Don’t? You Pack Up! You Lead Your Life. You be the Leader…and LEAVE!

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